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Saturday 4 May 2013

Artist's block, sort of

I wanted to finish a combination piece today — an acrylic painting topped with a tripartite mini-sculpture. I had a particular thing I wanted to do with the painting part… and found that I couldn't really do it. I hadn't really figured out how to achieve the effect I wanted. So instead I ended up with a UUP* acrylic dystopian seascape.

While I have nothing at all against acrylic dystopian seascapes, I'm irked and bothered at my lack of technical skill that kept me from executing what I actually wanted to create. I am thinking of how best to deal with this situation — and conclude that I have to be more sanguine about experimentation and that I need to be more accepting of the high likelihood that I may not end up producing anything worth keeping or showing for a bit. I cannot say that the idea fills me with pleasure (to say the least). But short of taking formal art lessons — for which I have neither time nor money at the moment, I either have to try and fail or simply let my paints dry up (which they're already starting to do).

I foresee more acrylic dystopian scapes of some sort in my future.

  • Using Up Paint

Sunday 21 April 2013

Artsy-fartsy pretentious tripe

(This probably should be cross-posted on nonlynnear, but hey.)

Last year Mr Mo and I went to "Gallery Weekend Berlin" on the last weekend in April. We ended up visiting quite a few galleries in several different locations around central Berlin ("Mitte") — many in repurposed factories. (I think I took a fair number of photos, but it seems that they were among those that didn't get backed up before my laptop was stolen, alas. I will have to ask Mr Mo if he took some.)

Anyway, what prompts this little entry is the explanatory sheet that we were given about a particular artist's work, which also came with another sheet showing thumbnails and the dimensions of the paintings on display. Gosh. About the best I can say is that I didn't despise Michael Williams' "This Means Something to My Horse" exhibit as much as I totally hate most of Cy Twombly's stuff, but it was a clear runner-up.* Here is the amazingly creative, best-face-on-it description of his work:

Michael Williams paints the uncanny, with a tendency toward the outright ludicrous. (Ludicrous — got that part right.) His colorful, large-scale paintings combine automatic (read: unplanned) drawing, images appropriated from thrift store finds and discarded pictures (!!), and an array of abstract forms and gestures, all rendered with a freely diverse range of painterly techniques. Often beginning with thin, doodle-like drawings made with an airbrush, Williams layers his canvases with glazes or denser passages of paint squeezed form the tube or slathered with a knife, creating a surreal optical disorientation and depth. (Polite way of saying 'an incoherent mess.') Williams' inventive approach to painting and his idiosyncratic visual vocabulary recall the visceral, sun-bleached narratives of Don Van Vliet or Sigmar Polke's 70s psychedelia, exploring with wit and humor the boundaries of the strange and familiar.

A hallmark of poor art for me is how much curator blathering is required to convince people that what they're seeing is truly art, instead of trusting their own crap-meters. As with Twombly's scribbles, I am amazed that anyone takes this sort of "art" seriously at all. (Fine, fine, chalk this all up to jealousy on my part. — I'd have more to be jealous about if I were actually producing more art and trying and failing to get noticed, of course.)


*** OK, fine, there are a few pieces of Williams' that I actually kind of like, e.g., "Do you need it with mustard?" Here is a link to the thumbnails page for the exhibit… judge for yourself.

Saturday 9 February 2013

More than German in German class

This past Friday evening marked the end of my third week in an Integrationskurs here in Berlin — a state-subsidized German-language course that is intended to help immigrants become more fully a part of German society. (I have not yet received the certificate required for subsidization, but even without it, the course is amazingly cheap.) I am in class Monday-Friday from 14 to 17h15 (that's 2-5:15 pm), and this module ends on February 19th. I joined in the middle of the "A1/A2" textbook (the second of six) — this was both a matter of timing (i.e., my finally doing something about learning German) and the fact that I was not a complete novice.

I am still scrambling to catch up on the vocabulary and grammar I missed: I've bought the first book and am slowly making the content of both the A1 and A1/A2 books my own. Despite the lacunes, I got 85% on my first sort of official test. (Part of that score has more to do with knowing how to take tests than with knowing German — but I digress.)

Our teachers, Olga (M-T-W) and Renate (Th-F), are very competent, as is the director of the school, Herr Bonev (who fills in when a regular teacher is absent, as has been the case with Olga several times). They all speak several languages each, including English (at least to some degree).

I am the only American, the only native anglophone in class (the only French citizen, too, for that matter). My classmates are from the Ukraine, Russia, Vietnam, Turkey, Bulgaria, Greece, Brazil, and Afghanistan. The women outnumber the men by more than 2 to 1; two of the women wear the hijab. Alana, the Ukrainian woman, is about the same age as I am, and we are the oldest in the class. Two of the men (an Afghan and a Vietnamese) are also older than the rest, who are mostly in their mid-twenties.

As with all such classes, some students are more diligent about doing their homework than others, and some have more natural aptitude for learning languages. Some students are clearly handicapped by their Muttersprachen (mother tongues): for example, the three Vietnamese students are often nearly unintelligible to my ears, as they all seem to have great difficulty pronouncing S and SH sounds that do not occur at the beginning of a word (and sometimes even then). In large part thanks to my previous short year of German way back in the mid-1970s — taken mostly because of my voice training — I have the best accent of any of the students (no false modesty here!)… and about half the class has asked me why my accent is so good. (Frau Frankfurter vom CSUN, ich danke Ihnen!)

But what I really want to write about today is one of the Afghan men. Our latest lesson theme was a more in-depth look at greetings and exchanges of personal information — specifically, why people in class had come to Germany. My standard reply is "unser Haus in Frankreich ist, aber mein Mann muss hier arbeiten, und ich arbeite über das Internet, also…." Most of the women were also here because of some connection to a husband or partner who is either German or for whatever reason lives and works in Berlin.

Unsurprisingly, both Hamed and Farun (not their real names) left Afghanistan because of the war. When they answered the teacher's query, I could have cried (and could not stop the tears from springing to my eyes): such a stark answer to such a routine question! I am far from my familiar American home places (and sometimes it feels very far indeed), but this is essentially a voluntary choice. Yet leaving for them was a matter of life and death.

— I didn't have the chance to talk to Farun, but I did talk to Hamed during the break… and yes, in German, our common language. Hamed comes from the eastern part of the Afghanistan and has been with his wife and children in Germany since 2001 (his younger children were born in Germany). At least some of his many brothers and sisters likewise have left Afghanistan, where they were a middle-class family until strife and war destroyed their family property and business.

Hamed's parents stayed, as did a sister and a brother. Hamed was able to briefly return in 2007 — a visit of less than a week. But not long after his visit, Hamed told me, the Taliban rounded up and beheaded both his father and his brother. Though Hamed would like his mother and sister to leave the country, his mother refuses to leave the place where her husband and son are buried, and the sister will not leave her mother.

Hamed does not dare visit his mother and sister again: he is a marked man. And he is completely, totally convinced that as soon as the European and American forces leave Afghanistan, the Taliban will return and ruthlessly stamp out any and all modernity (at least any and all that does not have something to do with weapons and warfare). They will, he said, resume the practice of publicly executing all perceived enemies, usually by hanging, in the local stadium. I can hardly bear to think of how desperate the lot of women and girls will become (again) in a place in which their lot is already so grim, but a continued American military presence there seems utterly untenable for many, many reasons.

To hear Hamed's story in the plain and simple German words at his command was far more powerful than I can convey here. It was not that he was somehow indifferent to the anguish of his family's story — no, it was just that the effort to express the tale in this new language helped tamp down his feelings — otherwise I think he might have wept openly. It was all I could do to refrain from weeping, to hold myself back from apologizing for our country's role in his family's past troubles… and in their future ones as well. In some ways I am amazed that he was willing to talk to me at all.

Hamed's oldest child is a 19-year-old daughter who will be getting her German Arbitur (high school baccalaureate degree) this year. There is no question in his mind that he made the right choice to flee to whatever country would take them in — in this case, so generously, Germany. He has prospered in Berlin — at least enough so that he can now take the time to finally learn German. He was very happy this week to learn a word that he will love being able to say to his oldest girl when she graduates: Gratulation! … a sentiment I share with him here, still with tears in my eyes.

Tuesday 18 September 2012

Craziness roosting… all in the family

One of my brothers recently changed his profile photo on facebook. He is in camouflage, proudly holding what I assume is an AK-47, which (in addition to other guns) he has purchased in the apparent belief that he will end up using same to protect his family, and/or his massive stash of food, water, and other survival gear (including a chemical toilet) from the Marauding Hordes that will somehow find their way out to his chic extra-suburban greater LA neighborhood.

There are two major things that I find unsettling about this:

1. The expression on his face. He is Prepared. He is Ready. He appears to have utmost confidence that he will be able to defend his family and his stash against all comers. My thoughts in response are not so charitable. Seems to me he felt the same kind of confidence — at least initially — when catastrophic (and ultimately fatal) illness struck one of his children. And it also seems to me that his AK-47 will be useless against fire in particular, and possibly earthquake (especially given the topography of his neighborhood)… and even against desperately hungry people, armed or not. Would he really shoot neighbors? I doubt it. Would he be able to mount a plausible defense against a well-armed roving pack of desperate, ruthless people? I likewise doubt it.

The expression almost seems like daring fate.

2. The fact that he so thoroughly has swallowed the poisonous kool-aid his wife and other of (mostly her?) family members have been stirring up over the past 4+ years. My brother claims to have voted for Obama in 2008. While I don't think he is a birther like his wife, he has been listening to at least her syntheses of the same hideous screeds and lies that she constantly listens to and watches — Fox News, Limbaugh, Beck, and the like. For one whose job as a lawyer is supposed to be based on fact-finding and evidence, it seems he has expended little effort in tracking down original source material to verify or refute the lies and distortions emanating from the fear- and hatemongers. Sad to see.

I harbor no illusions about the power of Mitt Romney within the active Mormon community. But still. It is one thing to vote for Mitt because one (a) likes that he is Mormon (and this despite his wild departure from the ideals of the 13th Article of Faith and the related temple recommend question about honesty), and (b) one agrees with his policy positions (however lacking in detail they remain at this juncture) … and it is quite another to be voting against Obama because one believes the crap peddled by the right-wing noise machine. (Yes, there *are* things not to agree with or like about what Obama has done or not done. I am not an unabashed fan by any stretch.)

***
My brother is emblematic of others in my family and in Mr Mo's family who are going to line up behind a guy whose policies, insofar as one can parse them, will damage the country and will adversely affect most of the members of our family. Disquieting, too, how thoroughly they all have jumped on a bandwagon that "grind(s) the faces of the poor" (cf. Isa. 3:15, 2 Nephi 26:20) and how they join with so many "Christians" in worrying about the "unworthy" poor (despite Mos. 4:16-19, etc.). Sigh.

Further, there is no discussing any of these issues, and no way to discuss these issues, particularly given how thoroughly my right-wing family has ingested the myth of the "liberal media." Objective facts that present their chosen candidate or issue in an unsavory light are rejected out of hand as being irremediably tainted by bias. (I recognize that we are all subject to confirmation bias, but it surprises me that they are so quick to accuse my sources as being biased — regardless of how nonpartisan such sources may be — without any apparent awareness or willingness to consider that perhaps their sources are not bias-free. Again, sigh.)

Here's hoping that most Americans will not be similarly buffaloed, and that Republicans efforts to suppress and subvert the vote will be unsuccessful. And here's hoping — for however hyperbolic this may sound — that my brother is not so far gone that he will join the ranks of those bent on armed insurrection following Obama's (hoped-for) reelection. I think it's unlikely. I hope I am right.

Monday 16 January 2012

If they waited for sunshine, they'd never go outside.

We're currently living across the street from a small park here in the Prenzlauerberg section of Berlin, and I've just now looked out the window and seen that a large troop of supervised school kids (aged 5-7, from the looks of 'em) is now playing on the equipment. — And this despite the fact that it is still drizzly and cold and generally ugly outside.

Here, as in Hamburg, one must pretend that "not raining" (or snowing) = a sunny day. (I guess drizzle counts as "cloudy.") I assume that most of the kids, particularly in this up-and-coming neighborhood, are adequately protected against the wet, and that their parents are used to dealing with muddy shoes, wet clothing, damp papers in backbacks, and the like.

In elementary school in southern California, weather like this meant that we'd be playing board games inside the classroom. And in junior high and high school, we'd be doing calisthenics in the gym (and muttering bitterly about it, and the weather, the entire time). Clearly, we were wimps.

Friday 6 January 2012

I spoke too soon.

—About all that religion stuff and having moved on and all.

Back in the day I ran a couple of listservs and wrote copiously about mormon feminist issues. I pretty much packed all that in when we packed up and moved to Europe. Apart from occasional comments here and there, and glances at the younger iterations of online heterodox forums ("Feminist Mormon Housewives" and suchlike)... I've held myself aloof.

But today I have gotten drawn into a discussion on facebook based on a call for questions at a "sister-share"-like clone, "mormonmommyblogs" ("MMB"). Apparently the blog owner is going to get some face time with the current Relief Society General President, who is soliciting questions and input from the masses.

—All well and good as far as it goes, but as I stated (in my only post on MMB) in response to someone's thanking Sister Beck for being the first to do this sort of thing, "...an earlier RS General Presidency (Elaine Jack, Chieko Okazaki, and Aileen Clyde) also solicited input from women all over the church and tried to bring their concerns to the attention of the Brethren. I hope Sister Beck and her counselors have better success this time around."

Of the 300+ comments on MMB thus far, I'd say that well over half pertain to the same kinds of questions and concerns I and my fem-peers were talking about some 25-30 years ago. Of course, there are the usual Righteous Women chiming in who berate the "faithless" for not being content with their lot, yadda yadda. The patriarchy still has plenty of female allies to help keep the women in their place... and the anti-fem chorus would be much louder, of course, were the arch-conservatives a bit more e-connected.

As for me, I participated in the facebook thread more than is usual for me these days (especially in threads unrelated to politics, and I even ended up referring people to my Dialogue paper (1994! Oy!). I still am well-versed in mormonspeak.

As I head off to bed, I am feeling two things: (a) a bit sad that so many women are still giving voice to the same kinds of feelings that I had for so long — and still hoping for answers that simply aren't going to come; and (b) a twinge of nostalgia for the days when I was utterly steeped in the (futile) quest for positive changes in mormondom (particularly where women are concerned). Those were heady and — how can I say this — eloquent times. I argued my points well back then. But goodness, what a time sink the whole enterprise was — and still is.

Plus ça change, plus ça reste le même.

It's probably a good thing that nearly all of my mo-fem writings are in France. Reduces the temptation to jump back into the fray again.

Tuesday 3 January 2012

What do I do with all this religious stuff?

In my never-ending task of curating the museum to myself (as it were), I have run across a new nest of material — this time, a stack of 3x5 cards, a goodly percentage of which are notes that I took when at the Language Training Mission (or "LTM," the forerunner of the MTC, where mormon missionaries go to learn how to proselytize and, if they're assigned to a foreign country, to learn the rudiments of the country's language).

Nor is it all LTM- or missionary-related: as I quickly shuffle through the stack, I see many cards devoted to "The Pursuit of Excellence," the mormon church's premier program for self-perfection (and heavy-duty guilt feelings) during my late teens and well into my twenties (and possibly beyond). And notes of ideas and scriptures to use when debating evangelicals and JWs and anti-mormons generally.

As genuinely impressed as I am with my own earnestness at the time, I don't know quite what to do with this stuff. On the one hand, I've moved on. On the other hand, this was all a very big part of Me for a long time.

I'm sure I'll think of some intelligent way to deal with it, yup, yup, yup.

Rreconciling myself to living in Berlin (part one?)

Well, I guess it's official: today I found myself rehearsing in my pathetic, limited German the line "Ich lebe in Berlin" — "I live (or I am living) in Berlin," instead of what I had been saying up till now — "Ich lebe in Frankreich, aber mein Mann muss in Berlin arbeiten diese Jahr und nächste Jahr" (the likely grammatically incorrect way to say "I live in France, but my husband must work here this year and next year"— leaving the "so I must live here, too" up to the hearer to fill in).

Breathe here.

This all must mean that I am getting used to the idea of really and truly living in Germany, despite the fact that it may be too complicated to do so officially. But living here is hard. The language is hard (and no, not all Germans speak English, at least not here in Berlin!), but I think making friends is always the hardest aspect of any move. This said, I/we have made a little progress on that front, including getting to know the previous tenants of our current apartment a bit better; being a bit more social with David's work colleagues; resolutely going to Mrs Sporty — fitness club — and to pingpong several times a week; and even enjoying a bit more interaction with some of the neighboring artists out in the Weißensee studio building.

(Aside: I reflect upon the fact that were we still active mormons, we would have benefited from an instant social network no matter where we live. Lots of water under that dam and over that bridge, so to speak.)

I acknowledge Berlin's dynamism. This can be and often is a fun and interesting place — goodness, I've never experienced a New Year's Eve like the one we experienced Saturday night! And I certainly cannot complain about the cost of living (long may it wave).

Much as Mr Mo mocks the idea, however, there are still times when I feel Berlin's past weighing heavily upon me — often after the discovery of yet more nearby "stumbling stones" (brass paving stones with the names and relevant dates of Jews deported and murdered placed in front of, or close to where they used to live). I found two new-to-me stumbling stones up the street from Mrs Sporty on Winsstraße just the other day, and I'm astonished that I'd never noticed them before. (I try to notice them.)

There are all kinds of reminders about Berlin's atrocious Nazi past and East Berlin's tragic soviet past in plain sight all over the city and seemingly on every street. Potentially very psychologically heavy, yes (or, rather, "ja"). But today I'm starting to think that maybe what is really getting to me is the weather. As in Hamburg, the overwhelming tendency of the sky is unrelenting gray. There was a bit of sunshine in the late morning here, but as I write this a few hours later, it is raining again. Just as it rained yesterday, and, and, and.

I am not a fan of dreary. I am glad the days are lengthening, but it would be nice to see a lot more blue sky right now.

Sunday 1 January 2012

My exotic life: travel in 2011

January: Costa Rica to Berlin • Berlin to Heidelberg (by train) • Heidelberg to Marseille (by train) • Marseille to Berlin

February: Berlin to London • London to Marseille • Marseille to Berlin

March: Berlin to Marseille

April: Quinson to Berlin (by car via Grenoble, Geneva, and Heidelberg)

May: Berlin to Heidelberg (by train) • Mannheim to Aix-en-Provence (by train via Paris)

June: Marseille to Berlin • Berlin to Quinson (by car via Heidelberg and Grenoble)

July: Marseille to London • London to Salt Lake City • Salt Lake City to Los Angeles • San Diego to Detroit

August: Detroit to London • London to Marseille • Marseille to Berlin

September: Berlin to Marseille

October: Marseille to Berlin • Berlin to Paris • Paris to Berlin

November: Berlin to Marseille • Marseille to Düsseldorf • Düsseldorf to Heidelberg (by train) • Heidelberg to Berlin (by train)

December: Berlin to Nice • Nice to Berlin

In all, 36 flights (including connectors). Not included is all the time-consuming transportation between Quinson and the Marseille airport and between Heidelberg and the Frankfurt airport. I am hoping that the opening of the new Berlin airport this year will result in direct flights between Berlin and Marseille — the connecting flights add tons of time. I foresee quite a few business trips during 2012....

Out of these trips, obviously Costa Rica was for fun. London in February included a fossicking trip to Lyme Regis. The trip to the States in July-August was also for fun (saw family in Utah and California; oldest defended her PhD thesis; we relaxed at Guppy Lake in Michigan, and I stayed on a few more days to go hunting Lake Superior agates with my rockhounding buddy). The rest was pretty much all business, though I spent a day or two during both car trips seeing old friends.

Definitely prefer traveling for pleasure to traveling on business, but I get to write off the latter. Hm.

Tuesday 4 October 2011

Transition time

Making the scary, scary move from my former host site to new host site.

Sunday 18 September 2011

This is a stub.

For all of the many blog posts I’ve been meaning to write, or have already started (sitting with the status “unpublished” hereon)… well. I think I’m going to start writing again very soon, now that I’m getting a bit more lubricated (as it were) by Little Tweets of Wonder and Joy (@mofembot).

It isn’t that I haven’t got anything to say. I wrote an entire post about my little village (events and people and places) in my mind on my way back from kayaking the other day, but it didn’t quite make it through from brain to fingertips. Apparently a bit more lubrication is required. Or I just need to get busy with paid work again, which will start tomorrow. Somehow when I have the least amount of time, I have the greatest capacity to get the thoughts out. It ought not to be the case, but I’m pretty consistent that way.

PS: Happy 71st birthday, BC (yet another stub).

Wednesday 16 March 2011

Sendai earthquake and tsunami

The Mother (Sonnet)

First comes the shock as titan plates collide,
Then waves come through the windows, scour the shelves,
And break the walls.
My parents must have died —
I am quite sure they could not save themselves.

My daughter should be safe up on the hill,
My husband, too.
I’m underneath these beams,
And no! I cannot move, try as I will:
The earth conspires against me and my dreams.

They will not find me here in time, I know:
The shaking, then the wave, and now! A fire.
Through layers of debris, I see the glow
And feel the heat from my own funeral pyre.

The earth still trembles, and the smoke is thick.
My death is near — I pray it will be quick.

Friday 20 August 2010

Counting the spoons and the snickers

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons

I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

(From T.S. Eliot’s The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock)

If I don’t start spending my time in more meaningful ways than what I’m doing now, I think I will go bat-shit crazy. Of course this is mid-life crisis — actually more than mid-life, given my being well over the “mid” line for life expectancy, but I understand better the impulse that drives certain parties to reckless or at least surprising behavior: for god’s sake, perceived time is speeding up, death is coming closer, and what will I have to show for myself at the end of it all? I keep trying to find the source for “the way you spend your time is how you will have lived your life” (or something like that)… I want to blame Ann Tyler for stating the obvious in an eloquent way (more eloquent by far than my paraphrase), but I can’t find the quote. (I’m pretty sure she wrote it, since time is a big theme in her writings.)

Anyway, I don’t like what I’m doing, partly because it’s stupidly hard to do and there is no quick remedy (such as a comprehensive and comprehensible author guide). But I’m too cowardly to just walk away, even after yet another several hours’ futile struggle to scratch another task off my worklist (a struggle that looks to endure for some time to come, too). Economic insecurity? Sure. Unwillingness to burn bridges because of potential economic insecurity? Unwillingness to let various people (both deserving and undeserving) down? Sure. But I ought to stop right now.

I used to have a mini-poster of Charles Schultz’s Linus up on my dresser mirror while growing up in Tarzana, and Linus is saying, “There’s no heavier burden than a great potential.” No, actually, there is: the feeling of having wasted, of continuing to waste one’s potential, is much heavier. I thought, I have thought, I think, I still think of myself as an artist, a musician, an actor, a writer, but I’m as far away from being any of these things now as I was as a child. Maybe farther. The music has stopped almost entirely. The writing is frozen, the acting is nonexistent, and the art is languishing. I have traded my most vigorous days and hours for money, as do most people born under similar conditions and at this time. I thought I have or had more talent than most, but what have I done with it? What? What?

This has just got to end.

Saturday 26 June 2010

Solomon in all his glory

I live in a village of older people, mostly retirees. There are a few families here with young children, but very few people a half-generation or so away from Mr Mo and me (that is, in their mid-to-late thirties with kids entering or already in their teens). Mr Mo and I are on the young end of the older folks — as much as a half-generation removed ourselves, and our presence here (due to Youngest’s having attended a tiny, now-defunct anglophone school here for a while) has occasionally fooled people into thinking that we are retired.

If only.

Anyway, the older people are very nice: I very much like my across-the-street neighbors and am on friendly first-name bases with quite a few people; I play French Scrabble with several once a week when I’m here at “Arts des Mains” at The Circle of the Future (the name of the small assembly hall); I go to book club; I attend the monthly village lunches when I can. Today’s village lunch incites me to write, and not because of the food, though the “moules-frites à volonté” (all-you-can-eat mussels and fries) were pretty good. I am writing because of who was absent today: Monsieur Jackie Bertran (not his real name).

Jackie is probably the oldest man in the village now; if there are others, they are too infirm to be out and about. The oldest women in our village were at the luncheon today, but Jackie was not. I saw him slowly walking up the street towards me as I hurried to lunch at the Bar du Cours (Terrasse), so I greeted him and asked if he was going to the luncheon.

To my consternation, he was not going: he said that he had not heard about it all. This surprised me, given that I’d heard about it in several venues, including earlier this week in places where Jackie had been; we had received our little quarter-sheet notice in our mailbox; hadn’t he received one?

Off I went to the lunch, sorry that Jackie wasn’t going to be there: usually he attends these affairs, greatly looks forward to them, in fact, and usually he happily sings the “Quinson” song at some point during the meal, asked or not. (He still has quite a nice voice.) When our former neighbor inquired about “the man who sings” today, I told those at the table about my encountering Mr Bertrand just prior. And that’s where the conversation took a disquieting turn to some degree: not the expressions of surprise about Jackie’s seeming lack of awareness about this event, nor even the concern about his walking about without his cane (and indeed, to judge from the state of his chin, he’d fallen fairly recently) — but because of a small inkling that maybe, just maybe he’d been deliberately kept in the dark as punishment for picking the village flowers.

Our village has been anxious to be awarded a “village fleuri” sign for a while now, and planters have been put up along the major thoroughfares and planted in tulips and pansies and petunias and so on. And apparently Jackie has been picking them regularly and presenting his little bouquets to the ladies of Arts des Mains, to the amusement of some, certainly, but to the frustration of others who don’t want to see village money wasted, and who really and truly want that “village fleuri” sign to go up. (It means being listed as such and in principle attracting flower-oriented tourists, I guess.) Madame la Présidente of Arts des Mains very nicely but very pointedly talked to Jackie just this past Wednesday about how he must not pick the flowers. But to all evidence, either he didn’t understand or forgot or feels no reason to cease and desist. “If you don’t want the flowers, I’ll give them to someone else,” has apparently been his response to those remonstrating.

Was he excluded from the luncheon? Probably not; probably forgot… although his daughter lives nearby, and would she have been similarly overlooked? Wouldn’t she have made sure her father would be in attendance?

Poor old man, he has outlived his friends in the village — his best friend, one he’s known his whole life, whom he palled around with daily, died last year — and he is bored and lonely. It would be too cruel, flower-picking notwithstanding, to choose to isolate him further, even though I share the dismay about this untoward habit of his (especially when he doesn’t manage to gather all that he picks, and I find dead flowers in the planters and on the sidewalk). There are no florists here, and even if the rumor is true that a flower shop is going to open in nearby Montmeyan, even that is too far away to do Jackie any good. He wants to give flowers to the village ladies, thinking that they will be happy and flattered, but instead he is driving them crazy.

Hopefully not so crazy as to be punitive. Hopefully not.

[Addendum on March 16, 2011: I was in France several weeks ago and arrived in our village just in time to attend Jackie’s funeral. Not long after Christmas, so I was told, Jackie’s behavior became increasingly erratic to the point of violence, and he ended up first being hospitalized in a nearby geriatric hospital and then transfered to a rest home. I was not at all surprised that he did not live beyond a few weeks after leaving his beloved village. During the funeral, they played a low-quality recording of him singing “Quinson” at a local gathering.]

Sunday 30 May 2010

Shades of Santa Barbara

As Mr Mo knows all too well, I am apt to be teary-eyed and a bit surly after I emerge from another round of reading about the catastrophic BP gulf gusher, for all of the same reasons that other people are in tears of grief and outrage about the fish and birds and marine mammals killed, the beaches and wetlands irremediably destroyed. It isn’t just American shorelines and livelihoods that are mortally jeopardized: Mexican and Caribbean shores and workers stand to be victims as well. As I write this, the gusher is still going strong, with no solution in sight for weeks to come. With every passing day, the potential for damage beyond the limits of the Gulf increase exponentially: the eastern seaboard of the U.S. may be affected, and even Europe may get a taste of oil via the Gulf Stream.

To all this, I add my memories of going to the beach after the much-smaller, but still calamitous oil spill off of Santa Barbara in January 1969.

We didn’t go to the beach more than a handful of times each summer: although the beaches look pretty close on a map, it was a fairly long drive on the winding roads through the coastal mountains from our home in Tarzana to our usual beach, Zuma. (Santa Monica beach was closer, but my mom did not want to deal with traffic nor parking issues.) After the spill, the aftermath of such outings wasn’t just an inevitable painful sunburn, but also nearly always discovering patches of oil and tar on my skin after peeling off my swimsuit at home. It didn’t matter that I might not have actually seen any oil anywhere on the beach (though there usually were streaks on the sand, and nearly always oil just below the surface, as we would discover when making our sand castles) — visible or not, I ended up having to repeatedly scrub and scrub and scrub parts of my skin after every outing.

And now, because of criminal negligence, rampant deregulation, and holdover industry toadies still infesting the Department of the Interior, the Gulf of Mexico is on its way to being irreparably damaged — and my skin is tingling just as it did when I was a young teen. But perhaps it is my conscience, and not my skin, that is tingling: I write this knowing that in a few hours I will be driving Mr Mo to the Marseille airport, burning hydrocarbons as we go.

Friday 19 February 2010

Okay, fine. It's... it's boring.

I went galloping through a few chunks of my missionary letters and diary and weekly reports and all, and my overall assessment is — snooze city. My writing overall utterly and completely sucked. It was almost wholly narrative instead of descriptive, there’s tons of whining and pseudo-spiritual introspective drivel, I’m nearly always promising to follow up with more details — virtually all of which have now been lost to time and memory… in short, pleah. (Or “beurk,” if you want to get all French about it.)

So at the very least, “Sister Mish” is not going to be epistolary in nature, if it ends up seeing the light of day at all. And that’s a big honkin’ if at this point, I gotta say.

But I have to admit that I’m also a bit disappointed that I didn’t do a better on-the-spot job of describing my surroundings and the people I dealt with both intimately and “de passage,” and that I was more interested in projecting an image of being a Good Missionary, a Good Mormon — than in finding ways to best (or better) convey what things were like for me in a multi-dimensional way.

I suppose all is not lost, if I really want to pursue the idea of “Sister Mish”— there are enough memory-jogging anecdotes and possibly even images (among my slides, especially as accompanied by the slide-show narrations I sent home with them) to try to construct something different. I guess the real question I have is whether in light of my current disbelief and cynicism and all — could I do the experience justice?

I wonder.

Saturday 13 February 2010

Appalled at my younger self

The few, the proud will have noticed that “nonlynnear” is essentially offline for the moment. I am slowly figuring out how I want the site to look as The repository for my published and longer writings. In addition to Dying School, I am starting to handle some content for another long writing, which for the moment I am calling “Sister Mish,” based on my experiences as a mormon missionary in France some 30+ years ago… as related in the letters I wrote.

“Oh no,” I hear you cry, “not another epistolary work!” Well, yes and no. I have input a few of my letters home, and it’s really not clear how well I will be able to control my gag reflex if I continue along this path. Let me explain: one of the things that makes this particular project interesting to me is how differently I described the same incident or circumstances — depending on the audience.

For example, given that my parents were—well, not opposed to my going on a mission, that’s too strong, but certainly (and mind-bogglingly to me, given my clear and present youthful fanaticism to that point) they were caught flat-footed and unprepared for the event, I wanted to try to show them that they were getting a good return for their investment, as it were. (The fact that the one time I did complain about my one very difficult companion, my dad sent me a very unsympathetic "suck it up" response also curtailed how much "reality" it seemed good to share.) So most of my letters home are “silver lining” and “best foot forward” and (name your happy-time cliché) in tone and content. Letters to my brothers, all of whom I was trying to encourage to go on missions, were filled with righteous encouragement. Mon frickin’ Dieu, some of it is so boring on top of being painful to read.

My missionary journal, as I recall (not having yet reviewed it in decades), unfortunately, tends to be a running lamentation about my perceived and real failures and weaknesses. Fortunately, I was able to vent to a few people, and if the carbons are still legible, I think the letters I wrote to them are worth a look. (My exchanges with a sister missionary in Holland were particularly, how shall I say, piquantes.)

Well. All of this is a lead-up to the title of today’s entry. As I was inputting a letter home last night, I found myself rolling my eyes and shaking my head at the following (and even inserting a few bracketed asides):

I have gained a real testimony of following— yea, verily, blindly following, if need be, the leaders of the Church. …

It’s true that the leaders on the different levels do make mistakes. But the Lord counsels us to obey/follow their counsel; even if they may be wrong in a given circumstance, we will be blessed for our obedience. We can’t receive the blessings if we aren’t willing to put faith in them and obey. Besides which, since we are limited human beings, we, individually, are not always in a position to understand the ultimate outcome of any decision we make or that we are counselled to make. If we listen to the leaders, there is more of a chance that their counsel is correct in the long run, even if (to our own perspective & according to our own individual reasoning) it doesn’t appear to be right.

As [for] “personal revelation”—when it’s in conflict with the leaders’ counsels, I’d still say “follow the brethren.”

Very scary stuff to me now, to say the least, and part of my brain is trying to figure out if there really is any (LDS or other) scriptural justification for the sheep-like thoughts expressed above. I’m amazed that I “emerged” from this mindset. — And I’m fully aware at how completely appalled my younger self would be if she could see the “inactive, apostate” me that she became. She would, moreover, point to a little semi-prescient sentence at the end of all the blather: “Eventually all of us are going to be asked to do something or to make a sacrifice that may seem outrageous— but it must be done if we want to obtain eternal life” … and yes, I guess I did find being told by a high church official to compromise my integrity “outrageous,” and that that was probably the point at which I began to “turn away” in earnest. But that is a tale for another time.

Saturday 16 January 2010

Reactions to the Haitian horror

[Written in transit from Walldorf, Germany, to Marseille, France, on January 15th]

The catastrophe in Haiti saddens and appalls me — I am saddened for the loss of life, for the unfathomable sorrow of the survivors, the pain of the injured, for the fact that the survivors have lost so many and so much. Some have lost their entire families in addition to escaping with only what they were wearing at the time the earthquake struck.

I am appalled because much of the loss of life was preventable. Hmm. That may be hyperbole borne of wishful thinking: preventing the deaths in Haiti would have meant years of fixing so many systemic problems as to render “prevention” meaningless: replacing, for example, the shantytowns with affordable, built-to-code structures; providing meaningful employment; benefitting from competence rather than corruption at all levels of government, and so on infinitum ad nauseam.

The photos tell the story: there doesn’t seem to be one building anywhere in Port-au-Prince (among the ones left standing) that is undamaged. So much unreinforced or inadequately reinforced concrete! So many houses dwellings without any foundation whatsoever on inhospitable hillsides (many now in ravines)! It is catastrophe upon catastrophe.

The lack of heavy equipment and infrastructure will result in a death toll that will be far higher than the “should have been.” A 7.0 earthquake is nearly always going to result in deaths in any densely-populated area. But when people (notably the Haitian president himself) are speaking of a toll anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000, and possibly more, the world’s collective failure to pay attention to this poverty-stricken, wood-denuded one-third-of-an-island can scarcely be atoned for by rushing in trying to rush in however many search-dog and rescue teams and emergency aid.

…My saying this must mean that I think we, the world, the Earth, Earthlings, Terrans, human beings, including our governments and even our corporations, are indeed responsible for one another. And that we ought to think ahead and invest in our collective futures, rather than only reacting to disasters of such magnitude as to pique the most hardened heart and conscience.* (Oh, that does make me a socialist, yes, it must, and if so, I say: I am glad to be one.—But I digress.)

The lack of equipment means that many who are buried who might have survived will die for lack of water. It is hot in Haiti — 32/33ºC, and for better or worse, no rain is forecast. (Perhaps some water would have made its way to those buried, but I suppose overall it’s a good thing that there is no rain there. [16 Jan update: Now I wish that there were a bit of rain so that those going without water on the streets can fill up bottles and buckets, given the problems of distribution.])

Then there will be the aftermath victims: those rescued but injured whose wounds will be infected for lack of adequate medical attention immediately after. Whatever water infrastructure there may be (to say nothing of sewers and electricity) is hugely damaged, and the risk of cholera and typhus and so on is rising hourly. [Addendum: Apparently crush injuries are particularly insidious: once a victim is freed, the toxins that have built up in the affected limb(s) rush through the body and overwhelm the kidneys. This can only be counteracted by immediately administering IV saline solution plus “mannitol”… and of course most Haitians’ access to these life-saving substances is next to nil.]

Is there enough money in the world to fix what is wrong with the world? I don’t think there’s any way to answer that question: even if there is enough, it will never get into the hands of those who need it and/or those who are competent to use it wisely and well.

Scenes of looting and sheer chaos in Haiti seem to be on the screens of CNN International here at the Frankfurt airport. This social breakdown is not unexpected, certainly, but once again, a hideous tragedy is compounded by the failure of leaders on all levels and in all places and venues to address the problems of this locus of heartbreak long before the Earth ruptured.

How sad to see people trying through sheer brute force to move slabs of concrete with their own unaided strength. Dogs who are trained to sniff out the living will soon be replaced by cadaver dogs. (I’ve heard that rescue dogs get depressed if they end up dealing only with the dead.)

[At this point, it was time to board my flight to Marseille.]

*Apparently Rush Limbaugh has neither a heart nor a conscience.

Sunday 10 January 2010

Getting along in German

(Pardon my instinctive response to this posting’s title; it is heartfelt: Ah hahahahahaha, ha! ha! ho! ho! Heeeeeeee!)

I just now finished a kind of second breakfast with Gisela and Gerald. As I have written elsewhere, my German is pathetic. Gisela’s English is slightly better than my German, Gerald’s English is much better than my German, but not fluent by a long stretch. So having a conversation is challenging, but do-able. They always seem fascinated by the bizarrities and (quite honestly) outright horrors of some of America’s ways, especially in terms of health care and workers’ rights and all. The fact that a long-time American employee can show up at work and find him/herself fired, entitled only to two weeks’ pay, and often escorted to their desk, supervised as they pack up their belongings, and escorted out — without even so much as the chance to say a proper goodbye to one’s coworkers — astounds them.

They worry that the German safety net, as with the French, is being slowly reshaped to resemble that of the barbaric American system. In Germany as in France, people on unemployment are having to show much more proof that they are actively searching for work, or they will be cut off from support. I don’t know if it’s the same in Germany as in France, but I’ve heard a number of stories about people being penalized for not accepting employment offers, even when the logistics of doing so are completely unworkable.

I think of the job that I interviewed for with an English-language learning center, supposedly in Manosque, a 45-50-minute one-way drive from Quinson. Well, for the princely daily rate of 20 euros, it turned out that the job was really in Sisteron, nearly an hour and a quarter away. I was very, very glad not to have been hired, and had they offered me the job, I may well have had to accept it or stop getting unemployment benefits. Such benefits didn’t amount to very much, but better than nothing. Ironically, of course, the gas and time and social charges and so on would have reduced my net earnings to less than the unemployment benefits, especially since I would have only had work a couple of days a week.

Yipes.

And yet America is so much more damned bass-ackwards about this sort of thing. When I finally got a job (= when I started my own business, given that at my age, the odds of being hired on a regular contract were practically nil, as the employment office people readily acknowledged), I got a surprisingly large lump sum deposited into our bank account (about 4-5 times the amount of my monthly unemployment sum). My initial reaction was WTF, someone’s made a mistake, I’m going to have to pay this back — but no. Apparently France recognizes that people who have been out of work for a while might need some extra help to re-enter the workforce, such as perhaps needing to pay a deposit on an apartment if they relocated to take a job, or if they have to pay for childcare, or even for work-appropriate clothing.

I was, to use a Britishism, “gobsmacked.” But it is such a sane, humane, sensible, and economically wise thing to do… one would think America would want to follow suit, instead of cutting off support the very damned instant a person is hired (never mind that they may have to wait several weeks before actually getting paid something). America punishes the jobless and poor, and (as Gerald and I discussed this morning) part of it has to do with America’s Calvinistic bent: people are poor because God is punishing them (wealth being interpreted in the American psyche as a sign of God’s approbation… really and truly).

Well. My object in writing this was not to digress into the politics and social dynamics of European v. American social policy and all, but rather to lament my inability to speak German, and once Gerald had to leave, my inability to completely understand everything that Gisela had to say about dealing with her kids (and me dealing with ours, specifically with Youngest). We both have our “unsupervised parties gone awry” stories, we both can share our unhappiness at the cost of living and the cost of paying for kids’ education and training, etc. But I swear to god that if we ever end up living in Germany for any length of time, I am going to make learning German a priority. I now wish that I had taken the time to follow the online courses… but I guess I didn’t expect to find myself here again.

Sonnstag in Deutschland

It seems odd to be writing a little something about Chiune Sugihara while working here in Germany, and about whom I just learned in reading the second of the two Hark! A Vagrant! comics on this page. “Japan’s Schindler” went unnoticed and unsung back in his native Japan, after having risked his career (and possibly his life) to save anywhere from 6,000 to 10,000 Jews by granting them transit visas as a vice-consul in Lithuania.

Had I known to look for the monument in his honor in Vilnius, and the other one in Little Tokyo in Los Angeles, I would have done so.

Sugihara puts me in mind of Hamburg’s golden paving stones, sprinkled here and there in the sidewalks (usually in front of apartment buildings), and inscribed with the names and fates of the deported Jews who had lived in those places. Some apartment buildings were torn down, of course, and stores and markets put up in the spaces, but the paving stones remain, seemingly unnoticed by the hundreds of customers and passers-by.

I tried to notice.

I have not noticed any comparable tiles or stones or plaques in Heidelberg, though thousands of Jews were deported from here, and two synagogues were burned during the infamous Kristallnacht.

During one of my stays here, my landlady showed me a book of their family’s genealogy, including a photo of an ancestor in a Wehrmacht officer’s uniform. I did not ask her where he had been stationed nor what his duties had been. I am told that the rising generation in particular is taught and re-taught all about the atrocities of the Nazi era in public school, supposedly to the point of being thoroughly bored and sick to death of it all. I have to wonder about that; on the other hand, I do not recall having the greatest sins of America’s past (e.g., slavery, genocide of indigenous peoples) taught and re-taught when I was in school… but granted, I was in school rather a long time back and talking about such things, or feeling it appropriate to do so in public school, was only beginning to catch on.

Do German kids say, “Yeah, yeah, the Nazis, yeah, yeah, they were bad, they did horrible things, but that was a long time ago”? My landlord’s grown (and almost-grown) kids say yes. To which I have to reply (at least in my mind): maybe they’re not teaching the Holocaust in the right way.

I remember when Ingrid’s dad came to our seminary class to talk to us about what it was like to be part of the Hitler Youth and then conscripted into the army in his mid-teens in the waning days of the Third Reich. I remember the German army vet who was missing an arm and with whom I regularly played ping-pong at Skipper Steimle’s Pine View Lodge near Lake Arrowhead, CA. He was a good player, that one, with just a flap of his deltoid muscle remaining that would flex “reflexively” as he played. I never asked him how he lost his arm; I assume now as then that he lost it in the war. And I remember meeting a few Jewish survivors of the concentration camps, including some who had numbers (badly) tattoed on their forearms. Most of the camp survivors are now dead, and most of those who were part of the Nazi war machine (willingly or unwillingly) are dead as well.

It is too much to say that we as a species haven’t learned anything from the Holocaust, but given the continued slaughter of innocents in so many countries, the prolonged episodes of ethnic cleansing in many parts of the world, the best I can proffer is that perhaps things would have been worse without at least some people having taken to heart the horrors that Hitler unleashed on such a massive scale such a relatively short time ago. That is cold comfort, however, and as the world’s population continues to grow unabated, and as water and food shortages loom on an increasingly closer horizon, we may yet experience things even worse than those suffered by the targets of Hitler’s paranoia and wrath.

God forbid.

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